Candidates, scammers, and the FBI

I am not sure whether Nigerian bankers are targeting political candidates or whether Bob Katter or Clive Palmer have found a novel way to raise funds, but since nominating for the senate in WA, I have had an influx of scam letters.

It probably makes sense for them to target political candidates; some of the missives from a number of them, as well as the public statements of the Libs, Nats, Labor, the Greens, and both parties named after their founders indicate that they are probably susceptible. 

Anyone who believes as Labor does, that strategic positioning of naval forces means moving their base into a river where the PM’s seat is threatened, would take anything on face value.

So far, two Nigerian bankers have contacted me, one offering me about $15 million if I help him move it out of unclaimed accounts.  The other is offering $9.7 mil but he could be genuine as he is a ‘Reverend’ who is the final signatory on interbank transfers.

There is also a legal firm in Lagos informing me that they are sorting out the estate of a person with the same surname as me who died along with his entire family in a plane crash.  He left no will and his $21.6 mil is mine for the taking if I lodge a claim.

I don’t know why so many people who share the same surname with me have such rotten luck.  So far five of them have died without leaving either a will, or contact details for their next of kin and oddly, they all seem to have sums of around $20 mil in the bank.

The best though, is the one I received under FBI letterhead from a ‘Special Agent Colleen M. Conyngham, (BADGE NUMBER JTT047101111)’.  Its so much better to be contacted by a special agent rather than an ordinary one, although I would have preferred that rather smooth looking chick from ‘Criminal Minds’.  Anyway, Colleen has a rather fascinating tale to tell:

We have been informed through our global intelligence monitoring network that the sum of $10.500, 000.00, has been released from a bank in Africa bearing your name as the beneficiary without dist certificate to clear your name and fund from every terrorist or drug or money laundering activities 

We sincerely apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a certified mail, phone call or a  face-to-face conversation,We will also send you a certified email later it is due to the urgency and importance of the security information needed. To checkmate financial recklessness, illegal gambling, racketeering and considering the effect of the global financial crisis rocking the United States, our government with the help of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (F.B.I) Washington, DC and the internet crime complaint center (ic3),alongside the CIA  signed an agreement with U.K  police for an immediate release of all overdue funds presently logged in their treasury and to ensure it is disbursed to the rightful beneficiaries in all parts of the world. If you the beneficiary would adhere to our instruction it will help you receive your payment  immediately  

The bank knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to make this payment from any part of the world to your account directly, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.d.t.p) method to make the payment. direct transfers are difficult and secret diplomatic transit payment (s.d.t.p) are not  usually made unless the funds are  related to terrorist activities and we ask why must your payment be made in  a secret transfer if your transaction  is legitimate.  

We do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your personal account, so it is our duty as an international agency to correct these little problems before this fund reflects into your personal account.  

we advise you to contact us immediately, as your funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody, until you are able to provide us with the dist certificate within 3 days from the country that authorized the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive are terrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to impound the payment and subsequently prosecute you for cross border terrorist financial activites. 

based on our findings, our investigative department wish to warn you against some miscreants, hoodlums and touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of this wonderful country. By sending out fraudulent emails without our official logo and emblem we shall release your funds immediately we receive this legal document and we will ensure that you receive your payment without any further delay.

It must be from a genuine ‘public servant’ as it ends with a number of dire warnings and threats that will be carried out if the information is disclosed.  There are a number of spelling and grammatical errors, but you know what they say about the US public school system.

That adds up to a total of $56.3m, which is quite a tidy sum to the point where my retirement could be fully funded.  Hell, if it all comes through in time I just might sling $5 or 10 mil to the Liberal Democrats to help them win the election.