TOTUS stolen; President’s silence explained

A Breitbart report has solved the recent mystery of why President Obama fell silent for a week, causing some to speculate that he may have been suffering from laryngitis. It is now revealed that TOTUS (Teleprompter Of The United States,) was stolen along with the truck it was being transported in.

White House spokesman Jay Crony told reporters today that it is unusual to transport TOTUS separately to the President as it is needed at all times for those occasions when he has to make off the cuff remarks, or respond to people saying “Hi” to him.  “You have to feel for him” he said, “its absence created the situation where he couldn’t even tell us what the problem was.”

“Even after it was returned it had to be taken out of service almost immediately to remove malware that had been put into the operating system which may have been the cause of the rather erratic statement Mr. Obama made that afternoon.”

Mr Crony was believed to be referring to the speech made by President Obama in which he endorsed a possible Rand Paul/Newt Gingrich ticket for 2016, and nominated Glen Beck for inclusion into the Broadcasters Hall of Fame.  This caused considerable consternation at MSNBC.

A distraught Chris Mathews pointed out that while he would carry out the President’s wishes, a Rand Paul Presidency could possibly be dangerous to his health.  “The effect of the President’s speeches is OK at present while they are reasonably short, but a thirteen hour long leg thrill could be more than my heart can stand,” he said.

Some reports indicate that the theft was only discovered when First Lady, Michelle Obama asked the head of President Obama’s security detail, Mr Mohammed Ali Rasheed to investigate the absolute silence of the President over the course of several days. 

Mr Rasheed entered the Oval Office and discovered the President on the telephone trying to mouth words and staring bemusedly at the wall. This tipped him off that the teleprompter was missing and an investigation got underway.  It was found when the husband of a lady who bought it in a pawn shop, reported that she was telling him off with soaring speeches about hoping he would change.

The thief has been sentenced to seven years hard in the federal pen.  AG, Eric Holder admitted that the penalty may seem harsh to some, but pointed out that the dangers caused by the President being unable to communicate, especially when the North Koreans are threatening nuclear war, and more so, when John Boehner is making a real prick of himself, cannot be overstated.

The real story is here.